Lessons In Friendship

Friendship is a beautiful word, and one I've longed to see deeply in my life ever since I was a young child.  I watched Anne of Green Gables, yearning for the kind of "kindred spirit" that Anne had in Diana, or vice versa, since I was mainly more like Diana.  I was the shy, self-conscious one, with a seemingly smaller brain than my intellectual siblings, but with a love for camaraderie and imagination.  My shyness kept friendship to a minimum--probably because I didn't feel sure of myself, or able to express myself without nervousness and stumbling, and that somewhat continues until today.  Perhaps because I was the "baby," the one to be ignored or scowled at because I would tag along, bumbling through things, distracting.  I felt this keenly, though I knew, most of the time, that I was loved.  But being left out, even just occasionally, can be hard for a sensitive person who loves family time.  I'm sure that sometimes it was for my own protection, such as when my family was building a tree fort when I was five or so--we even have a photo of me by the side of the fort, crying.  Words and actions are important--saying "I don't want you to get hurt" is much better than saying "you'd just get in the way." (I'm not sure how my family put it to me, but I'm pretty sure that's how I felt in those type of situations--that I was a nuisance.) That's a lesson for another day, I suppose.

Today I'm focusing on friendship, but now you know some of my background, and partly why it's hard for me.

However, I'm certainly not without blame.  Proverbs 18:24 says: "A man who has friends must himself be friendly . . . "

I was not very friendly, very much looking out for the interests of others (Philippians 2:4)--an unsaved person is not at all good at this.  But even now, as a Christian, I struggle with this . . . selfishness, and perhaps self-pity, is ingrained.

That is one of the lessons I've been thinking about, trying to achieve: be interested, truly interested, in others.  Even if they're talking about a plain piece of wood, or any boring subject you can think of--if it interests them, it should (if it's not a bad subject/gossip) be of vital importance to us.  ("Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. -Philippians 2:4)

Another lesson is not to nurture jealousy.  This can be a real joy-killer, and leads to bitterness, anger, and perhaps distance or the end of a friendship.  There are many Bible verses about jealousy.

Another lesson is to empathize with your friends, both in sorrow and in joy.  Romans 12:15 says: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."  If you don't truly put yourself in your friends' shoes, they can sense this, and won't have your true care, concern, or excitement.  I don't mean to say that we should put on a front, but that we should try our best to understand and show our care, whether it be with a sincere smile, hug, note, gift, deeper conversation, or what-have-you.  This goes along with being interested in others, and not being jealous.

I have felt jealous, hurt, and bitter, at times, when I felt left out of my friends' lives.  I didn't receive what I thought I should--the recognition, thanks, position, etc.  This stems from pride.  I'm thinking I'm more important than I really am, more wonderful, when I am but dust and ashes, terribly sinful.  Even if I happen to be forgotten for something I should have received thanks for, I have to put myself in my friends' shoes, and realize they can't always remember everything.  They may not have realized how much something cost us in effort, time, or money.  They may not realize that we were hurt, or longing for something, or how important it is to us. We (or me, especially, with my quietness) may not have expressed much of an interest.  Can our friends read our minds?  Perhaps if they have known us for all our lives, they can often anticipate our reactions or desires (I have a dear sister like this, and ironically her name is Ann), but if it's a friend of shorter standing, one cannot expect such special capabilities.

Parts of being a friend are serving, laying our lives down for the other, listening, being humble, thinking the best, loving--I Corinthians 13 springs to mind.  The very definition of friendship in Merriam Webster has to do with helping the other person.  Do we expect to do all the "getting" in friendship, or do we expect to give of ourselves?  "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." -Philippians 2:3

And when other friendships falter, there is the precious end of the verse I quoted from earlier (Proverbs 18:24): "A man who has friends must himself be friendly,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

. . . How amazing is that, when God knows all our sins (infinitely magnified in His holy sight)?  He pities us as a dear Father. ("As a father pities his children, So the Lord pities those who fear Him." -Psalm 103:13) 

But more than that, we can call Him friend, as that verse in Proverbs states, as well as this verse: "No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you." - John 15:15

When we focus on this--believe this--it makes so much difference.

The Dangers of Romance

Before you roll your eyes or turn away, know that I am not here to bash romance.  It is a gift of God . . . in its proper place, way, and time.  The Bible is not shy about romance or the blessings of marriage. However, the whole Bible is not dominated by romance, and neither should we be.

Let me take you back to my earliest days of reading romance novels.  They were clean, safe, and Christian novels, with the gospel message sprinkled in and indeed several good character qualities shown.  Yet I fed on them like candy, reading all the Grace Livingston Hill and Janette Oke stories I could get my hands on.  I was eight or nine when I first started reading them.  I was quiet and might have seemed mature for my age--not a giggling girl with flirtatious ways--but inwardly, my heart was being drawn more toward the ways of a flirt.  Every boy that looked my way was likely to have an interest in me, or at least to arouse my interest.  I craved their compliments and their smiles.  How shameful I was, even as a girl of nine or ten!  Even one of my own cousins was to me a cute boy to impress, as I pedaled along as fast as I could on my bike ahead of him.  Instead of enjoying my family and friends--the gifts of God right before me--in a normal, healthy way, I was looking for something "more exciting."

Fiction, especially romance, was my daily bread, Bible only a duty.  Teenage years only cemented my thoughts.  I played card games and became excited if a boy's hand touched mine accidentally.  The thoughts of romance also made me shyer, more self-focused and afraid of saying something stupid.  Would anyone like me then?  My mind blanked if asked a simple question by a handsome boy.

Were romance novels really the cause of all this?  Not entirely, certainly.  We are cursed with a sin nature, and that is readily apparent at a young age.  But the novels and movies furthered the sin, and made it seem more natural and fun.  Even Christian novels?  Yes.  While some of the earlier books I read were quite harmless and perhaps a few were helpful, put all together, with their focus on handsome men, women admired by men, and mainly feelings-based romance, I was swept into it all like Cinderella on the prince's arm.  I lived vicariously in the novels.  In our no-dating house, I was "dating" men in the novels.  Even more-so than from movies, probably, because in books I usually read from one person's perspective looking out, and so I could more easily imagine myself being that character.

I once read an article similar to this, and I brushed it off with a frown and thought, It's really not harmful to read these kind of books.  So I kept reading them, but with a growing awareness that perhaps they did affect me.  But still, they were fun, and they were mainly good, right?

Don't make the same mistake I did.  Don't waste your life, or worse, affect your life in negative and hard-to-eradicate ways.

I still have an ongoing battle with wanting to read the light and fun romance novels, and occasionally I do, but usually regret it.  I have found more fulfilling, true, and lasting joy in reading the "heavy" books, the theological and deep books than the light ones.  More joy in the ever-applicable, ever-wonderful Word of God.

Are there exceptions?  Are there any good romantic novels?  Yes, I believe so.  But don't think that you can handle almost anything because you're mature.  Don't think that you will grow by leaps and bounds because you read romance novels with a slight Christian message.  Don't think that a steady diet of this will not affect you.  Like overindulging in candy gives you stomach-aches, so overindulging in romance novels/movies will give you heartaches.  I do know of older, married people who can read these kind of novels without any seeming bad effects, but how do you know it will not in some way harm your thoughts or actions?

Read books that fill you with the joy of the Lord, not the stirrings of unfulfilled longings and discontent.  Saturate your mind with the promises and deep love and chastisement of the Lord for a wretch, not the admiration of shallow men who think you are beautiful and kind, even though you argue like a yapping dog or your thoughts are full of self.

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ - Matthew 22:37

But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becomes saints; - Ephesians 5:3

I charge you,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
Do not stir up nor awaken love 
Until it pleases. - Song of Solomon 8:4